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Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Pounding Heart

This blog will be posted some time after it was written due to an outside directive to not talk about my living donor experience until after I have donated.  If you are reading this, it is because I have completed the donation process.
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May 5, 2011

I came back from three back to back meetings to a brief seven second message from the transplant clinic.  I assume this means my CRP labs are back. I couldn't detect from the message if the news is good or bad and when I called back the coordinator was on another call and will need to call me back.  I cannot believe how nervous and anxious I am feeling at the moment.

I was thinking about it on the way to work this morning how important this donation has become to me. The process of testing and the idea of the decision itself have become almost living entities which I feel like I've formed a relationship with. The thoughts and feelings I've had along the way seem to have taken up more space in my day to day life than I ever could have imagined.

I went for a little walk around the floor here at work to try to calm my nerves. If she says everything is a-okay then I will be thrilled.  If she says more tests though-how will I feel? How much more of this donation/rejection roller coaster can I take? If she says no, I cannot donate, how will I feel with so much of an emotional investment made? I know part of me will wonder if I am rejected, if the reasons could have been spotted sooner. Although to be honest I still would have been fairly emotionally attached to this little "kidney thing" of mine, even months ago.

My heart is pounding. The only time its been doing it louder and faster than this is when I received the call from Global TV back in January but that was fuelled an entirely different set of nerves. I don't know why I want this so badly, why it feels so much like it was something I was meant to do but it does. I want to make a difference to some one's life. I want to give someone time back, give hope. The logical part of my brain is trying to pipe up right now that everything should be fine, everything should be able to go ahead...after all I made it to the surgeon phase right? Despite Dr. N's one concern? Or was that completely and oversight that she caught last minute (again, lol) that actually was meant to bump me back a step?

Oh how I just want to be approved.

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