Monday, June 20, 2011

Moving Forward

This blog will be posted some time after it was written due to an outside directive to not talk about my living donor experience until after I have donated.  If you are reading this, it is because I have completed the donation process.
April 13, 2011

Sometime last fall, totally unrelated to the "kidney thing" I started doing Yoga once a week at work. It's a no brainer really....the instructor comes to us, doesn't make you feel dumb for being a Yoga rookie, it's inexpensive, and we do it in the multipurpose room at work so its kind of work sanctioned (hence more guilt free). There are some "quiet times" during the practice where you are supposed to clear your head and let go of stresses or anything clouding your mind.  Those of you who know me well would appreciate that request is like asking me to stop breathing.  Not think? I don't think I've ever known what that means.

What I did start doing though, or rather stop doing, was thinking about work during that time. I also made myself not spend the time worrying about what needed to be done at home that night or what was going to be for dinner. I tried very hard not to fret about whether or not my boss had fallen asleep (and inevitably was going to start snoring-somehow i felt responsible for making sure he didn't disturb anyone or embarrass himself) on the mat beside me.

All of these "banned" thoughts left my head searching for something appropriate to think about.  The "kidney thing" soon filled its place. It's not that I was sitting or lying there thinking about the risks, the tests or anything stressful.  Instead I used the time to remind myself why I wanted to do it, that it was a good thing and that I was not crazy for pursuing it. I used the time to envision 100 different donation scenarios and the various people who could be impacted by the donation. I thought a little bit about the blog and what else I could add to it that would encourage other people to consider doing something like this. I also thought about each kidney wondering which one was going to be the one chosen (sometimes sneaking a hand to that side of my abdomen, as if to reassure it). I made sure to keep my thoughts positive, because I told myself as long as things were positive, I wouldn't be "cheating" by thinking during practice.

Then came the last 6 weeks, a  period where I felt kind of negative about the whole "kidney thing" and started to believe I wasn't a candidate.  I was slowly becoming unable to visualize any part of it happening. I struggled to fill the "quiet time" in Yoga-the "kidney thing" had always been a peaceful., calming kind of though process and it was becoming something that instead was making me feel sad, angry and stressed. (Ever since the blood pressure test day I swear I am hypersensitive to when my blood pressure is being affected by stress).

Then finally,yesterday morning, after much ado about nothing, I got a call from Foothills.  Dr. N, despite her big words and sceptical projections, has approved me to move forward.  I don't have all the details but will be meeting with Dr.S in two weeks time.  It sounds like I will be a part of the paired exchange and the next one "doesn't happen until June" so there is less of a rush for next steps.  Oh my! June is close! I am excited and nervous all over again. But I certainly was back to a much more positive, calming Yoga "quiet time" today :).

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