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Saturday, June 18, 2011

Is No News Good News?

This blog will be posted some time after it was written due to an outside directive to not talk about my living donor experience until after I have donated.  If you are reading this, it is because I have completed the donation process.
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March 10, 2010

No news is good news with Gary...but with Lauren...is it?
In a matter of a few hours it will be a week since I completed what I think (hope?) was my last test. I haven't heard from anyone at the program since my last email to the coordinator indicating the blood pressure test had been arranged. She did mention one or two of the blood tests might take a little while to come back but it didn't sound much more than a week.  I'm wondering (of course) what is going on or if my file has just been sitting untouched either waiting for results or for the right people around to read them. Luckily I've been very busy at work so haven't had as much time to think about it but the thoughts are creeping in.  I've also started dreaming about hospitals, doctors and operations.

Is no news good news?  I don't know. I'm still feeling less confident about the whole thing. I had hoped that would rally and my opinion would change on that with sometimes between me and that last doctor visit. But it hasn't.  I'm feeling so disconnected from the whole process and end goal right now it doesn't even seem like it was ever real. I still want to donate and ultimately help someone but it just seems different.

I've spent sometimes in the last while thinking about how I'd feel if it is a no. I think I will be more disappointed than I previously thought I would be. More so I think I'm going to feel like I failed in someway although this is definitely one of those cases where trying was a success in itself. But I'm still going to blame myself for being less than perfect. I'm kind of curious-if numbers are slightly off in one of these re-test or new test categories and its something weight related or environmental, can I work to improve that and then retry?  Would I start from scratch or just have some tests that need a redo? And could I even put myself through that again? That part I'm really not sure of.

But yet again, there's nothing I can do to move this along...wait and see, wait and see.

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